Wafflings of a Cozmonaught

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013) directed by John Luessenhop -  I imagine if you had a horror movie bingo card, this movie would be the free space. The plot follows a group of quite astoundingly terrible twentysomethings as they are chased by generic killer maniac sporting legendary cardio ability no. 23. The black guy doesn't die first though, so I have to give kudos for deviating from the cliche in that regard. The movie itself opens about 5 minutes after the conclusion of the first film in the franchise; it's doing the Halloween thing of just ignoring all the sequels that came after the first. After some "acting" introducing characters who most certainly were not part of the first movie, a shootout breaks out. This is because, as I'm sure most people can glean from the title, lengthy shootouts are what made the Texas Chainsaw Massacre famous. The rest is a basket full of the usual: hackneyed stupidity and hackneyed strip scenes with hackneyed daddy issues and hackneye...

Unfriended (2014) directed by Levan Gabriadze - - Watching other people use a desktop has never been a more painful experience. I've never taken an interest in these types of "computer screen" movies—where the audience is just watching someone's monitor as they slowly inch their cursor around the screen with a touchpad like a prehistoric caveman. I half expected an "Unregistered Hypercam 2" watermark on the top left. Even so, I do think it is an interesting approach to explore; one that seems very much like a logical extension of the "Paranormal Activity" security cam trend. Not a big surprise considering that Blumhouse produced both this franchise and that one. Unfriended follows a group of friends that previously bullied a young highschool girl into committing suicide. On the anniversary of her death, the group decide it's in great taste to have a Skype chat about how said girl sucked. The child-like action of going "Look mom, I know tha...

In the Tall Grass (2019) directed by Vincenzo Natali - Anti-Kansan propaganda on my Netflix! Jokes aside, I quite like simple horror. Minimalist, even. Probably why I'm such a sucker for found footage films; the camera work automatically draws in the audience so that the plot can really emphasize the spookiness of a situation. My point being that I enjoy the way a writer/director's vision can more easily be communicated if there isn't a bunch of pretentious tosh getting in the way. ItTG follows twins Beck and Cal as they drive cross-country. In the middle of some non-descript square state, the duo are lured into a grassy field by calls for help. Soon they discover that they cannot escape, and that they must put faith in their sharp wits and ironclad familial bond to survive. Are you reading this imdb? Can I be a synopsis writer now? Time loops. Now that's a horror concept I haven't seen in a while. Could have done without the crappy CGI nightmares and cult/religiou...

  The Beginning (2021) written by Beverly Lewis - Have you ever heard of the Amish romance genre? Because I sure as hell hadn’t before I worked at a library. They fly off the shelves so fast, you wouldn’t believe. Hot stuff without the hotness. As the label might suggest, books under this label have an old-fashioned view of relationships. Imagine the complete opposite of Fifty Shades. Beverly Lewis’s The Beginning primarily follows one 22 year-old Susie Mast as she pines after her childhood friend, Odie Yoder. Susie lives in the Old Order Amish settlement of Hickory Hollow with her sickly mother and younger, adopted sister. Furthermore, she is haunted by the deaths of her brother and father, which occurred a little more than a decade ago as of the book’s opening. Now, that seems like a decent enough setup, doesn’t it? Especially when you look at the potential conflicts from a traditionalist Amish lens: Susie’s mother is skeptical of modern medical treatments for her chronic illnes...

Apostle (2018) directed by Gareth Evans - Can't think of anything quippy to put here so let me just say that 'Gareth Evans' is the most Welsh name I've ever seen. Apostle follows a young grizzled bloke who bears a rather uncanny resemblance to one Booker Dewitt of Bioshock fame. Same Boxer Rebellion backstory. Same grizzled look. Same bloody mission: Infiltrate an isolated cult led by a charismatic prophet to rescue a girl and presumably wipe away a debt. Methinks the writer might be a fan. Of course that would miss the chance to call it derivative of The Giving Tree or The Wicker Man . Perhaps it is not a surprise then that the 25% that isn’t ripped-off is pants.  Oh it certainly builds well; the first hour or so had me nicely invested. But once the source material becomes exhausted and Brother Twat starts spewing his nonsense, the plot just gives up on life and jumps off a cliff. Fair enough; martyrdom is fitting considering the title.