Wafflings of a Cozmonaught

Thirteen Reasons Why  (2007) written by Jay Asher I couldn't give two hoots whether a book "romanticizes suicide" or "gives a voice to teens in need". I just care about if a story is good or not, and this book most certainly is not. So allow me to give you my own reasons why this book was horrible. Apologies for not making thirteen to fit the theme. Let's imagine that I stretched for anything to reach that magic number just like Hannah Baker did. #1 - The Narrative Voice sucks. Seriously. Could it be more boring? More grating? #2 - The Flow is awful. The protagonist constantly injecting his own dull and annoying thoughts into the tapes hurts an already schizophrenic structure. #3 - The Mystery is uninteresting. Some girl named Hannah killed herself. Okay? And I should care because...? That's an all right hook, but far from good enough to make me want to slog through 50k words of petty teenage drama. Homegirl, there are kids in Africa starving right now. ...

     Blood Trail  (2003) written by Nancy Springer Goodness. That was bad. Blood Trail is a novella that follows the tale of one Jeremy "Booger" Davis after his best friend is suddenly murdered. What begins as a personal, introspective narrative about dealing with the death of a close friend slowly morphs into town-wide fallout as questions about the unknown murderer linger. I like simple and fast writing styles, but the narrative voice is grating. And it's not just the protagonist; I hate all of the characters in this book. They are annoying and unbelievable. The melodrama is intense, and it has to be because nothing happens in the later half of this story. The conflict is manufactured and contrived. Sorry, but informing the police that your best friend was afraid of the murderer mere minutes before they were slaughtered by said person is not "ratting them out". Just a baffling conflict that dominates most of the pages. There is ambiguity as to what exactly hap...

    On Chesil Beach  (2007) written by Ian McEwan You know in school when your English teacher told you that your essay had to be 1,000 words long, but you'd said all you wanted to say in the first 300 so you had to fill? That's what this book is. Padded and pretentious. Brit Lit at its most indulgent. This should have been 10k words at most. Yet Mr. McEwan has managed to wring it for many times that, evolving it like a Pokémon from short story to novella all the way to short novel. I'm not mad. I'm impressed, really. Impressed at Mr. McEwan's talent for digressing over and over and over again with unnecessary anecdotes and asides. Impressed and bored. Mostly bored. There is an interesting story in there somewhere, and I can see it. I can see great characters and an emotional writing style. But there is just so much fluff and sod to dig through. 🟥 Rating: 3/10

        Spilled Blood (2012) written by Brian Freeman I don't read a lot of mysteries, and this book didn't help my impression of them. The writing is amateurish. It's full of eyeroll-worthy cliches, passive language, and telling. The author does not trust the reader to understand what is happening; everything must be spelled out and overexplained. Maybe this is a hallmark style of mysteries, or maybe it's just Freeman. I'm not sure which. The Hatfields and McCoys drama between the two towns is so outlandishly unbelievable that I audibly laughed on multiple occasions, and the ending can't help but feel a little contrived. A religion theme pops up one minute and is gone the next. The not-so-subtle Monsanto evil corp is cartoonish. This book desperately needed focus. There are so many characters and so much random surface-level tosh that I found myself zoning-out for minutes at a time, yet I never missed a beat because everything this book has is superficial. It ...

  The Chocolate War (1974) written by Robert Cormier Rambly narration that works. Disturbingly relatable teen masculinity. There was one passage in particular that was my childhood to a tee: He thought of his own parents and their useless lives--- his father collapsing into his nap every night after supper and his mother looking tired and dragged-out all the time. What the hell were they living for? He couldn't wait to get out of the house. "Where're you going all the time?" his mother asked as he fled the place. How could he tell her that he hated the house, that his mother and father were dead and didn't know it, that if it wasn't for television the place would be like a tomb. He couldn't say that because he really loved them and if the house caught fire in the middle of the night he'd rescue them, he'd be willing to sacrifice his own life for them. But, jeez, it was so boring, so deadly at home--- There were a couple contrived hiccups that held...

The Black Phone (2021) directed by Scott Derrickson - You know, I have to wonder when the concept of “stranger danger” became part of the American lexicon. Because when I was a kid, someone that drove around in a large black van with tinted windows would have labeled a “child abductor in-training” pretty dang quick. Maybe it’s just me, but that mode of transport doesn’t have the same mystique as an ice cream truck or clown car. Then again, it seems to work out well enough for the kids in this movie. The Black Phone follows Finney, your stereotypical bullied teenager model no.3, and his abduction by an unhinged psycho killer that sometimes wears a mask and sometimes doesn’t. However, being the son of a mother with supernatural abilities, he starts to hear hints from past victims of his captor and resolves to make his escape. What is up with that first act? Holy balls, the dialogue is pants. And the acting? Bordering on unwatchable. The kids I can somewhat excuse, but the adults are just...

  Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022) directed by Joel Crawford - Not gonna lie, if I saw someone in a fursuit charging me with a pair of sickles, I would shit myself so fast. Sorry—kid’s movie and all—I meant to say “crap myself”. Because “crap” is now something we say in kids animation, apparently. We also show blood from wounds. That’s cool, I guess; just feel like I missed the memo telling kid’s animation to be edgy again. PB&J is about the eponymous character who, being on his last of nine lives, searches for a wishing star that will give him some 1-Up mushrooms. Along the way he meets an old friend, makes a new one, and antagonizes some porridge and pie baddies. Meanwhile, a sussy furry cosplaying in a black hoodie stalks him on his journey. I’ll be honest, I only watched this movie because of the memes. And, oh boy, did the meme lords come through for me. The characters in this movie are awesome. The voice acting is superb. And the animation is gorgeous, likely due to t...

Unfriended: Dark Web (2018) directed by Stephen Susco - Something about this computer screen series that I'm noticing is that the exposition and rising action are really cool, but once the climax hits, the story kinda just shrugs it’s shoulders and gives up on life. U:DW follows novice thief and budding klepto Mattias as he tries to repurpose a crappy Macbook he nicked from a local coffee shop. Unbeknownst to him, on the computer lies a myriad of secrets that soon drag him and his Skype buds on a spoopy adventure. I loved this initial setup; very Sara is Missing / Simulacra. The characters were a great step up from the last movie. The mystery feel was a fantastic supplement to the horror vibe. 'Course they are still using Skype on a Mac of all things, but that’s my personal biases coming into things. And then… Watch Dogs. And then… stupid ending twist. What a shame. Awesome setup. Good execution. Terrible landing. P.S. That trailer gives away way too much lol.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016) directed by David Yates - Ah yes, Pokemon GO: Harry Potter Edition. In the spirit of it being a decade since the last HP movie, I thought I would finally sit down and watch the next entries in whatever they are calling this series now. FBaWtFT follows Newt, a well-meaning if awkward British magic chap, as he arrives in America from Equatorial Guinea. An odd claim considering Equatorial Guinea didn’t exist yet, but let’s ignore that. Along the way he must catch a number of beasties and fight a magical conspiracy. I went into this film with tempered expectations, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad. Not mediocre. Bad. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed the film much more when it was—you know—actually being Harry Potter instead of Narnia or Pokemon. Why are all the characters so insufferable? So unrelatable? The dialogue, the characterization, the writing, the grand setpieces: it all leaves a lot to be desired. The most surreal moment in the l...