Wafflings of a Cozmonaught

Slender Man (2018) directed by Sylvain White - Imagine still talking about Slender Man in 2022. It’s like unearthing a fossil from the long long past of… a decade ago. Seems like more though, doesn’t it? Yet it’s enough to bring back those wistful memories of early creepypastas, non-trash horror Let’s Plays, and old media pearl-clutching. Those were the days. “Yes Mom, I know what Slender Man is. No Mom, I don’t plan on performing a ritual sacrifice.” You know, I take personal umbrage whenever something from my childhood is formatted into a bread sandwich. Much like video game-to-movie adaptations, newer forms of media never seem to translate well onto the screen. And let’s be honest by 2018 anyone this movie was aimed at already considered the Slender Man myth old hat.  Anywho, Slender Man the movie follows the tale of four high schoolers that watch a few Marble Hornets videos and go insane. We are treated to a few stock “run-away-from-baddie” and “aimless-wandering-in-the-w...

28 Days Later (2002) directed by Danny Boyle - Let this movie be a warning to all good Evangelicals out there: if your head gets bashed in on the day of the Rapture you can kiss your dreams of paradise goodbye because apparently God discriminates against the comatose. My goodness British horror plays with themes of isolation and loneliness a lot. 28 Days Later centers around Mr. Irish generic man who wakes up from a coma buck naked some [insert movie title here] to find the populace of London has vanished. Luckily for our protagonist, as he bumbles about the haunting landscapes of landmarks he realizes that he didn’t miss the Rapture. Instead a UK rabies virus has turned everyone into raging zombies. You know: as it do.  It’s a perfectly well-made film, even if it doesn’t bring anything noteworthy to the table. It’s your typical “Monsters are bad, but humans are the real monsters” affair. Still the plot is coherent, and there exists a dash of chaotic and surreal energy that is com...

The Ritual (2017) directed by David Bruckner - There has to be some deep psychological explanation behind the abundance of mute baddies in horror movies that—as soon as they brush their teeth in the morning—begin dragging away poor sods and slashing throats within the first 10 minutes of runtime no questions asked. I know I’m not the only one who thinks that upping the tension is not synonymous with mindlessly upping the body count. Enter this movie. The Ritual involves four blokes that bum about a spooky forest of mystery and intrigue Blair Witch style. During this march they must work through various interpersonal and intrapersonal struggles that strain the group relationships while discovering strange signs of something/someone lurking in the trees. Not very original I'll grant you, but the dynamics and dialogue do enough to pad out the tropes it falls back on, and the tension builds well. Yet as the saying goes, “all good things must come to an end”. After the first hour, the ...