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Movie Waffle | The Black Phone (2021) - Hang It Up, Boyo

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The Black Phone (2021) directed by Scott Derrickson You know, I have to wonder when the concept of “stranger danger” became part of the American lexicon. Because when I was a kid, someone that drove around in a large black van with tinted windows would have labeled a “child abductor in-training” pretty dang quick. Maybe it’s just me, but that mode of transport doesn’t have the same mystique as an ice cream truck or clown car. Then again, it seems to work out well enough for the kids in this movie. The Black Phone follows Finney, your stereotypical bullied teenager model no.3, and his abduction by an unhinged psycho killer that sometimes wears a mask and sometimes doesn’t. However, being the son of a mother with supernatural abilities, he starts to hear hints from past victims of his captor and resolves to make his escape. What is up with that first act? Holy balls, the dialogue is pants. And the acting? Bordering on unwatchable. The kids I can somewhat excuse, but the adults are just a...
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Movie Waffle | Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022) - I'm Just Saying, Sometimes It Takes a Cat

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  Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022) directed by Joel Crawford - Not gonna lie, if I saw someone in a fursuit charging me with a pair of sickles, I would shit myself so fast. Sorry—kid’s movie and all—I meant to say “crap myself”. Because “crap” is now something we say in kids animation, apparently. We also show blood from wounds. That’s cool, I guess; just feel like I missed the memo telling kid’s animation to be edgy again. PB&J is about the eponymous character who, being on his last of nine lives, searches for a wishing star that will give him some 1-Up mushrooms. Along the way he meets an old friend, makes a new one, and antagonizes some porridge and pie baddies. Meanwhile, a sussy furry cosplaying in a black hoodie stalks him on his journey. I’ll be honest, I only watched this movie because of the memes. And, oh boy, did the meme lords come through for me. The characters in this movie are awesome. The voice acting is superb. And the animation is gorgeous, likely due to t...
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Movie Waffle | Unfriended: Dark Web (2018) - Skype-net Strikes Back

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Unfriended: Dark Web (2018) directed by Stephen Susco - Something about this computer screen series that I'm noticing is that the exposition and rising action are really cool, but once the climax hits, the story kinda just shrugs it’s shoulders and gives up on life. U:DW follows novice thief and budding klepto Mattias as he tries to repurpose a crappy Macbook he nicked from a local coffee shop. Unbeknownst to him, on the computer lies a myriad of secrets that soon drag him and his Skype buds on a spoopy adventure. I loved this initial setup; very Sara is Missing / Simulacra. The characters were a great step up from the last movie. The mystery feel was a fantastic supplement to the horror vibe. 'Course they are still using Skype on a Mac of all things, but that’s my personal biases coming into things. And then… Watch Dogs. And then… stupid ending twist. What a shame. Awesome setup. Good execution. Terrible landing. P.S. That trailer gives away way too much lol.
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Movie Waffle | Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016) - Pottermore GO!

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Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016) directed by - Ah yes, Pokemon GO: Harry Potter Edition. In the spirit of it being a decade since the last HP movie, I thought I would finally sit down and watch the next entries in whatever they are calling this series now. FBaWtFT follows Newt, a well-meaning if awkward British magic chap, as he arrives in America from Equatorial Guinea. An odd claim considering Equatorial Guinea didn’t exist yet, but let’s ignore that. Along the way he must catch a number of beasties and fight a magical conspiracy. I went into this film with tempered expectations, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad. Not mediocre. Bad. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed the film much more when it was—you know—actually being Harry Potter instead of Narnia or Pokemon. Why are all the characters so insufferable? So unrelatable? The dialogue, the characterization, the writing, the grand setpieces: it all leaves a lot to be desired. The most surreal moment in the last minutes ...
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Movie Waffle | Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013) - Let's Bring a Chainsaw to a Gunfight

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Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013) directed by John Luessenhop -  I imagine if you had a horror movie bingo card, this movie would be the free space. The plot follows a group of quite astoundingly terrible twentysomethings as they are chased by generic killer maniac sporting legendary cardio ability no. 23. The black guy doesn't die first though, so I have to give kudos for deviating from the cliche in that regard. The movie itself opens about 5 minutes after the conclusion of the first film in the franchise; it's doing the Halloween thing of just ignoring all the sequels that came after the first. After some "acting" introducing characters who most certainly were not part of the first movie, a shootout breaks out. This is because, as I'm sure most people can glean from the title, lengthy shootouts are what made the Texas Chainsaw Massacre famous. The rest is a basket full of the usual: hackneyed stupidity and hackneyed strip scenes with hackneyed daddy issues and hackneye...
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Movie Waffle | Unfriended (2014) - Internet Culture With Some Horror On the Side

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Unfriended (2014) directed by Levan Gabriadze - - Watching other people use a desktop has never been a more painful experience. I've never taken an interest in these types of "computer screen" movies—where the audience is just watching someone's monitor as they slowly inch their cursor around the screen with a touchpad like a prehistoric caveman. I half expected an "Unregistered Hypercam 2" watermark on the top left. Even so, I do think it is an interesting approach to explore; one that seems very much like a logical extension of the "Paranormal Activity" security cam trend. Not a big surprise considering that Blumhouse produced both this franchise and that one. Unfriended follows a group of friends that previously bullied a young highschool girl into committing suicide. On the anniversary of her death, the group decide it's in great taste to have a Skype chat about how said girl sucked. The child-like action of going "Look mom, I know tha...
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Movie Waffle | In the Tall Grass (2019) - Anti-Kansan Propaganda

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In the Tall Grass (2019) directed by Vincenzo Natali - Anti-Kansan propaganda on my Netflix! Jokes aside, I quite like simple horror. Minimalist, even. Probably why I'm such a sucker for found footage films; the camera work automatically draws in the audience so that the plot can really emphasize the spookiness of a situation. My point being that I enjoy the way a writer/director's vision can more easily be communicated if there isn't a bunch of pretentious tosh getting in the way. ItTG follows twins Beck and Cal as they drive cross-country. In the middle of some non-descript square state, the duo are lured into a grassy field by calls for help. Soon they discover that they cannot escape, and that they must put faith in their sharp wits and ironclad familial bond to survive. Are you reading this imdb? Can I be a synopsis writer now? Time loops. Now that's a horror concept I haven't seen in a while. Could have done without the crappy CGI nightmares and cult/religiou...
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